In this weekly self-help series, mental health and life coach Anu Krishna tells you how to take control of your life.
Is your relationship causing you stress?
Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?
You are not alone!
As part of an initiative to help Rediff readers, mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.
Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.
- Ask ANU: ‘I feel suicidal. What can I do?’
- ASK ANU: How do I deal with loss of a loved one?
- ASK ANU: Are couples fighting more in the lockdown?
- ASK ANU: Do couples have less sex after marriage?
- ASK ANU: How NOT To Talk To Your Teen
- ASK ANU: Stressed by online classes? Seek help!
Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to [email protected] (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.
Meanwhile, here’s the unedited excerpt from Anu’s latest offline session with readers:
AM: Hi Anu ma’am,
I’m a class 12th JEE aspirant. Right now my life is actually seeming to be over. I have my board exams going on and JEE mains on head.
The exams are not a problem but those expectations of performing good are.
I’ve been a good student till now. Scored 96.6% in 10th and was always a sincere and obedient child.
My father is an alcoholic and mother, a typical Indian housewife who is all nice, hardworking, busy with house chores, frustrated and tired all day.
Before the pandemic life was much easier to me. I would go to school and forget all these problems with my family.
Oh I didn’t mention that my father sometimes turns abusive and beats my mother. I don’t know how safe it is to share here but I wish to confide in you. So this pandemic ruined it all.
I had to face the reality of my life at home. I couldn’t join any coaching or tuitions as this is not that developed place.
I had to manage my studies with all this stress. I kind of ruined all my progress and image as a decent performer in school.
I would never in a million years blame my environment for this.
My parents love me and always wish the best for me. But right now I’m scoring really low in boards as well as JEE mock tests.
All this is breaking me. I always wished to study hard and explore a world outside this little, not so happy house. I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get a good government school. I want to make things happy between my parents and maybe if I earn well, I can do something…I don’t know what but seems like money can fix a lot of things.
I’m really so depressed…I was on anti-depression pills but felt like not to continue them as they made me overthink more…I don’t know why.
Nowadays I would just go on and sit uselessly or sleep for the entire day as I just want it to get over.
Nobody sees how sad I’m.
My father is busy with his office work and mother is depressed and traumatized to some levels.
I feel like I can’t burden them with all this anymore.
I talked to my father to get things healthy but he gets all angry and aggressive…. and I’m really weak to face that both mentally and physically.
I really wish that you get time to write back to me. I really need some help.
I read an article where you answered some queries and couldn’t stop myself. I just want to see if it’s actually over or I have anything still left in this world for me 🙁
Thank you for reaching out.
My response will be out here and shared online but your name does not appear, so it will be strictly confidential.
Sometimes we get into situations that we obviously don’t want to be in; like I am sure you didn’t want to be in a place filled with doubts and anxiety.
But hey, do you realise what’s nice about you?
You have a trait that doesn’t believe in blaming her parents and indulging in self-pity. And that’s wonderful and you know why?
Because when you shift focus onto yourself, you start to step up and do something more useful like value and respect your own life.
So, why don’t you start with listing down all the things that you are good at.
Next, the way you used to study earlier was effective; bring that schedule and pattern of studying back.
Write down the goal/outcome clearly and put down steps to achieving it. Exams are just one part of your life and not your entire life.
As for improving your environment, all that you can do now is, fortify yourself from the heated debates and sadness and how?
By spending time with friends who support and care for you, listening to music, indulging in things that you love doing.
And lastly, smile a lot! It will make you feel wonderful from within.
Celebrate what you have and live that moment! And most importantly, love yourself and the rest will follow…
All the best!
RJ: Hi Anu,
I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it’s been one year.
He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace.
He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different.
I never had sex with him till now. And I don’t feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.
There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions.
My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind.
I don’t know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths.
We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don’t feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.
Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?
Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.
A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.
What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.
Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.
Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.
So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.
Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?
Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.
So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.
AM: Hello!! I’ve been in a relationship since 13 years.
I’m a Christian and he is a Muslim.
My parents don’t agree to our marriage since beginning
I went many hardships to agree my parents. Recently they agreed..
My parents told him to bring his parents he declined
He is being offensive to bring his parents. He feels insecure when I talk to my own friends and even once I didn’t cheat on him
He cheated me multiple times having sex with many other girls
He apologised and told me that he will not do it again
I trusted him again
He is not interested in bringing his parents to meet my family
What should I do now?
Imagine that all that you have shared with me is something that your friend is sharing with you.
What will you tell her? To forgive this person for their hurtful behaviour or to take charge of her life and do what’s right for her?
Have you thought of how much this must be messing with your mind and to not want to meet your parents with no real reason; is he even serious about the relationship?
And further complicate it by being with other women (I assume that this is something that you have evidence of) is disrespectful towards you and the relationship.
Doesn’t this prompt you to make a decision that brings back your peace of mind and allows you to be free to live life with more dignity and joy?
Be right by you and love yourself!
DM: Dear Anu,
So basically there was a guy at my workplace who started messaging me on social media.
I too found him good and nice. Later we became friends.
He said He likes me and on the same day during the conversation he tells me he is already married ‘but still I like you.’
I ended things with him but I felt little hurt. I couldn’t understand why he did this to me.
It still bothers me, why it happened.
There are enough and more people on social media who look out for casual flings and chats that help them cope with a loveless marriage or relationship or simply for killing time.
Now that you know the truth, I guess it’s challenging your value system where you don’t feel comfortable ‘flirting’ with a married man.
So focus on this and what to do next rather than ask, why he did this and why he didn’t reveal his marital status to you.
Will the answers make a difference to you?
Will you feel any better knowing why?
Why it happens is anyone’s guess….if he had told you, would you have chatted with him? No, right? That’s why he didn’t reveal it…
So, do what you think is right and what keeps you happy.
All the best!
PS: Hello… I have been in a relationship since 10 years, not yet married.
My boyfriend is okay in all ways. But there is something that’s bothering me a lot.
Whenever he is with his friends or family I just get angry and scold him whatever I like.
I don’t like if he talks very close to his friends (male friends) or family.
He is trying his best to keep me happy, but I’m feeling insecure when he is with his friends and family.
To be honest even if he gives more importance and value to his family that makes me feel more angry.
I’m unable take this anymore.
After fights even I think why did I did like this, what’s wrong with me?
I question myself after a fight.
I even think that I won’t be doing this next time because even friends and family are important but it’s doesn’t work and he is fed up with me.
Whenever he is with friends or his family, I create something that’s not true.
End of the day I’m crying, I’m loosing my happiness.
Waiting for an answer
What are you worried about? That by spending time away from you or not involving you when he is in a social setting, he might forget you or move away from you?
After 10 years, why do you feel the need to cling on to him in insecurity and anxiety?
Time to give yourself some love and attention?
Become your best friend and pamper yourself with a lot of care instead of constantly expecting it from your relationship?
The more you become safe and secure with yourself, the less you will cling onto your partner.
Clinging on and ‘owning’ another person will only make them move away from you as no one likes to be controlled and dictated to.
Instead, why don’t you ask him about his day and who he met up with and genuinely try and integrate into his life?
In this way, he will want to engage more with you and invite you when he is with his friends and family?
When you watch him interact with others, instead of feeling insecure and jealous, can you think of appreciating what he has brought into your life and why the two of you have been together for 10 years?
Also, involve him into your life and life’s journey.
Playing the victim involves a lot of drama, but playing a liberated person involves no effort.
So love yourself and love your partner for who he is.
The change in your relationship and your state of mind will be almost magical.
Enjoy the moment and be happy!
- Read all of Anu Krishna’s columns here!
Anu Krishna is a mind coach, author and co-founder, Unfear Changemakers LLP and Soulful Exploration LLP. She’s an NLP Trainer (National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, NFNLP, USA), Energy Work Specialist (Institute for Inner Studies, Manila), Executive Member of Indian Association of Adolescent Health (M.I.A.A.H) and Member of Quality Circle Forum of India (QCFI). She has authored the self-coaching book: The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.
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