Ferne McCann, 32, broke down in tears as she opened up on the reality of losing her best friend Billie Shepherd, 33, whom she was close to for 22 years, over the voice notes scandal.
The long friendship ended after a series of voice notes Ferne had recorded speaking about Billie's sister Sam Faiers five years ago were leaked.
An anonymous account released the voice notes in an apparent bid to destroy Ferne's reputation, and the star has now gotten the police involved to try and stop the person from continuing their tirade.
Speaking for the first time about the ordeal on the first episode of the new series of First Time Mum, an emotional Ferne sobbed as she admitted the scandal had badly affected her and "destroyed her career".
But while the former TOWIE star said her "whole world feels like it's falling apart and it's destroying me so much," she became deeply upset at losing one of her best friends, especially because her words in the voice notes have left her feeling "so ashamed and embarrassed".
"I'm so ashamed and embarrassed and I know the words are very hurtful. It was from a time when I was really hurting, and in a very vulnerable and bad place," she explained while sat reflecting in her car.
"They were from about five years ago when me and Sam had a fall out. It's very hard for me to talk about this because I don't want to bring up the past," the star began to sob. "Would I say those things now, absolutely not, but those I absolutely apologised for.
"But now because of this hate campaign and this person that has held onto them for five years, to weaponise them against me, I've lost my… I've lost some of my best friends.
"I've lost my whole relationship with Billie, and that really hurts," the pregnant star, who is expecting a baby with fiancé Lorrie Haines, continued.
"She has been my best friend for so many years, and that plays into where I don't feel whole, I feel really lost. Friendships are so important. And you say things where if you're angry, or if you're hurt, you say things."
As trolls hit out at Ferne on her social media accounts, the upset star is seen going to James "Arg" Argent's home for advice and support.
Unable to stop crying, she opened up about her experiences and admitted she doesn't know how to move forward.
"I believe hurt people hurt people. For me to say something with so much venom… I think the place I was at, Sam had it all. She had a partner, a baby, and I didn't," Ferne recalled. "I'm not condoning it, but I did say something really nasty about it.
"And it's affected my friendships, at the moment my friendship with Billie… It's been really hard.
"To me that's the biggest loss out of it all," James replied sadly, as he asked his pal if she thought there was anything she could do to mend the connection they shared.
"Yes and no. I understand the position she's in," the star said. "I've tried to message her lots, but I get it. I'm very much mourning the loss of a 22-year friendship. It's hard.
"I massively regret it, but I'm unable to do a lot, apart from put my trust in the police. Try and patch things back together. It's just taken a massive hit," Ferne added.
The episode shows Ferne struggling in the aftermath of the scandal. She shares her state of mind and how the scandal also affected other people in her life, and she also says she is unable to think positively about the future.
"This situation has completely ruined my life, and I honestly don't know what my future holds," the mum tells the camera.
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