“I couldn’t keep my d–k in my pants or the coke out of my nose.”
Lamar Odom is opening up about his many regrets from his four-year marriage to Khloe Kardashian.
In a new excerpt from the former NBA star’s new memoir "Darkness to Light," obtained by People, Odom speaks about his regret over being unfaithful to Khloe and lying to her about his cocaine addiction.
"I wish I could have been more of a man," Odom told People in an interview to accompany the excerpt. "It still bothers me to this day. But regret is something we have to learn to live with."
Khloe and Odom, who were married in 2009 just one month after they met, said their relationship was "bliss" in the beginning. The highs and lows of their marriage was documented on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and the spinoff "Khloe and Lamar."
"For a while, being with her was bliss and I was the happiest I’ve ever been," Odom writes in his memoir. "We were one of the most famous couples in Hollywood and we made more money together than we had individually."
"At the start of our marriage I was faithful to her," he adds. However, as Odom’s addictions grew worse, the professional athlete started having affairs and cheating on Khloe.
"I could not handle the lethal cocktail of the spotlight, addiction, a diminishing career and infidelity," he writes. "Oh, did I mention the paranoia, anxiety, depression. …I couldn’t keep my d–k in my pants or the coke out of my nose. Drug addicts are incredibly skilled at hiding their habit. I’d get defensive and Khloé would just drop it."
Although Khloe and Odom split in 2013 after only four years of marriage, the reality star was by her ex-husband’s side after he nearly died after a drug overdose in 2015.
Odom, whose mother Cathy died of cancer when he was 12, told People: "I remember waking up and [Khloe] showing me pictures of my mother. I was surprised on how quick she was to show her devotion to me."
"Her love for me must have been unconditional," he added. "That’s the only thing [I think] that gave her the strength to still love me at that time."
Khloe and Odom’s divorce was finalized in 2016. Khloe went on to have a relationship with Tristan Thompson, with whom they share baby True, 1.
Odom said he is now completely drug-free and hopes to mend his relationship with Khloe and her family.
"I hope we can be friends," Odom said. "I miss the family. And I hope we can all be reacquainted one day."
"Darkness to Light" is out May 28.
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