“I have to say our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, especially considering two of them are half Bruce Willis,” joked Demi Moore.
Bruce Willis was grilled like a cheeseburger on Sunday night, as his Comedy Central Roast aired — but he wasn’t the only target of the night.
With people like ex-wife Demi Moore, former costars including Joseph Gordon-Levitt ("Looper"), Ed Norton ("Moonrise Kingdom"), Cybill Shepherd ("Moonlighting"), randos like Martha Stewart and Dennis Rodman and comedians Kevin Pollak, Dom Irrera, Nikki Glaser, Lil Rel Howery, and Jeff Ross all dropping some major burns in Brucey’s direction, a few of them got dissed in return, with Norton taking the most heat.
In the end, Bruce got sweet sweet revenge by hitting them all back, at one point joking that "Norton’s rubbed more people the wrong way than Harvey Weinstein." That wasn’t the only Weinstein joke of the night.
Keep reading for all the most outrageous burns from the special.
"I have to say our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, especially considering two of them are half Bruce Willis." [They have three kids together]
"That’s his real hair. And ladies, let me say, the carpets match the drapes. I’m not saying he’s bald down there, I’m just saying, whichever place you look, it looks like a dick."
"He got his career breaking moment in ‘Pulp Fiction.’ It seemed really odd at the time, he’s a big action star doing a little indie film, but Bruce went over to Harvey Weinstein’s hotel and he came back swinging that ball gag and then he said, ‘I got the part."
- "After our divorce, he said he considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure. But Bruce, don’t be so hard on yourself. You have had much bigger failures. I mean, Planet Hollywood, ‘Hudson Hawk’ … turning down Clooney’s role in ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ to focus on playing the harmonica."
"Dennis [Rodman] may be the only person on the planet who can prevent a nuclear war. So I guess this is goodbye."
"I loved ‘The Sixth Sense.’ It’s a great movie and it’s a really impressive performance. I don’t know how you pretended not to be embarrassed while a 10-year-old kid acted circles around you, but you did it."
"Don’t get too comfortable up here, because later we’re going to be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher."
- "Who could forget Edward Norton as the Hulk? ‘The Avengers’ franchise, that’s who."
"Hollywood wouldn’t be Hollywood if they didn’t reward a man for aging into mediocrity."
Re: Ed Norton playing a Nazi in "American History X": "If you had done that movie today, not only would you have gotten an Oscar, you’d have also gotten a Cabinet position in the White House."
Re: Martha Stewart: "I had the honor of playing Martha in two separate movies. I did my best but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart was the FBI."
- "Our characters on ‘Moonlighting’ weren’t much of a stretch. I played a former model, which I was, and he played an asshole, which he is. We actually came close to having sex one time, but then he whipped it out, started playing with it and ruined everything. I’m talking about your harmonica!"
"You have a perfect dick-head."
- "I love you, or maybe I’m just a really good actor. You wouldn’t know the difference."
"If you had told me back in the ‘90s that Dennis Rodman would be negotiating a nuclear arms agreement in 2018, I would have said, ‘Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?’
"Unlike everyone here tonight, I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce’s music. I play it at all my parties when it’s late and I want everyone to leave immediately."
- "Despite what everyone has said here, I think you are a good neighbor, a great actor and a very, very solid f–kbuddy. See you tomorrow."
"Bruce, you keep making these f–king bombs. You know what? So does Kim Jong-un. But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his."
- "Bruce, you made a lot of bad decisions in your life, and that’s coming from me. I f–ked Madonna without a condom. I even married myself and still somehow lost half of my f–king money in the divorce.”
"Martha Stewart, thank you for being here. And congratulations for getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina and into your sweatshops."
Re: Kevin Pollak: "He does a great Robin Williams, I just wish you would finish it. All I’m saying is we’ve lost a lot of greats to suicide lately; it’s time we lost some okays."
Re: Edward Norton: "He was so hot in Fight Club when he was Brad Pitt."
"A lot of people don’t know that Bruce is a very talented musician because he isn’t."
- "Bruce has also been really active with the Make-a-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn’t seem so terrible."
"You wanna know how brilliant Ed Norton is? Ask him."
- Re: Demi Moore: "She shaved her head because she loved her husband Bruce and he wanted to f–k his own face."
Re: Ed Norton: "He dated Courtney Love but he never became famous enough for her to have him murdered."
- "Bruce wasn’t even the best actor in his house. Demi Moore was."
Lil Rel Howery
- ”What am I doing here? I don’t know any of these old-ass white people up in here.”
"Hi Rumer. I guess that’s the name your mom gives you when she’s not 100 percent sure who your father is."
"You’re like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts instead of wascally wabbits."
"Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The only three words more boring than gluten-free cracker."
- "I think it will always be your blockbuster ‘Armageddon’ that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career, because in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock."
Bruce Willis Hits Back
Re: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: "I tried to make you an action star, which ain’t easy to do with a kid who looks like the bad boy of figure skating."
Re Ed Norton: "’Fight Club’ was the perfect movie for you. Who doesn’t want to watch Ed Norton get punched in the face for about 90 minutes. You do have a reputation for being hard to work with. Norton’s rubbed more people the wrong way than Harvey Weinstein."
Re: Martha Stewart: "If anyone can survive in prison, it’s someone who can toss a salad."
Re: Cybill Shepherd: "Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend. There’s people I’ve known longer, but you are my oldest friend. When I got cast in ‘Moonlighting’ I got picked over 3,000 other actors because they wanted someone who didn’t have a sexual history with Cybill."
- Re: Dennis Rodman: "Dennis, how do you and Kim Jong-un communication when neither of you speak English?"
Rumer Willis Looks SO DIFFERENT Attending Dad's Roast — See Bruce's 3 Daughters with Demi!
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